Conflict and the Sabre-Toothed Tiger

Here’s my problem.

I want to work with everyone who is ready to start the conversation about conflict.

But it’s not always appropriate. When I say appropriate, I mean it might not make any difference.

We can’t always manage conflict.

At least, not in the way that I usually talk about.

Why?

Sometimes it’s just too far gone.

I’m not talking about differences in judgment or opinion. Those are bound to happen and in many cases, these disagreements or challenges should actually be encouraged.

I’m talking about a committal to the idea of being right and someone else being wrong. When people are divided, positions are entrenched, and relationships are irreparably damaged.

In “High Conflict”, Amanda Ripley uses a powerful metaphor to delineate the concept of high conflict. She writes of the La Brea Tar Pits, a prehistoric death trap near the present-day Miracle Mile region of Los Angeles. There, scientists have found the skeletons of thousands of powerful animals, including 2,000 sabre-toothed tigers. The working theory is that an animal like a bison or mammoth became immobilized in the tar pits, its calls attracting predators. As more and more animals became mired in the tar pits, more were attracted to hunt, only to become similarly stuck.

In Ripley’s view, good conflict may have yelling, questions, a challenging of positions - but it still leads somewhere more interesting. This is distinguished from high conflict, which is stagnant. In high conflict, the conflict is the destination. Ripley describes high conflict as a trap, akin to the La Brea Tar Pits. Once you’re in too far, there’s no way out.

It happens in litigation all the time. Lawsuits may drag on for years. Plus, there’s a lawyer involved whose job is to enable the conflict. They present arguments to bolster their assertions about being right. It’s a united effort to stoke the flames of conflict. When people point fingers at one another for that long, the bridges are burned.

Litigation or not, even the coolest of heads occasionally careens into the Tar Pits blinded by emotion, ego or the “principle of the matter”. Thankfully, we can still get out if we realize the danger before we get stuck.

It’s happened to all of us. We’ve seen it happen to others, too.

Sometimes we just need a gentle nudge, a thoughtful question, or a candid reality check to help get us unstuck.

If someone tells you how right you are (even if you’re paying them to advise you), recognize they may be steering you toward the Tar Pits of doom.

Even if you’re in the Tar Pits, I’ll try.

But for everyone’s sake, let’s try to stay away from those Tar Pits in the first place.

After all, we all know how things turned out for the poor sabre-toothed tiger. RIP.