Whose ego is it anyway?
You know what really gets me riled up? EGO!
Ego looks like a lot of things. At its worst, someone tries to sound smarter, richer or better than someone else to make the other person feel “less than” and boost their own ego.
As a lawyer, I’ve dealt with a lot of ego. My reactions varied from amused, annoyed, embarrassed (for them), or pissed off.
Those experiences have driven my approach to conflict management consulting. It’s even impacted my client intake process. How? I don’t take lawyers or law firms on as conflict management clients.
This sometimes surprises people. Don’t lawyers have a ton of conflict? Hell yeah they do. Aren’t they losing lawyers, staff and money because of it? Hell yeah they are.
But I don’t want it to be my problem. Too frustrating.
Or is it?
At some point, I convinced myself lawyer personalities are too difficult. They’re too adversarial and they love to be right.
So I don’t want to waste my time.
I’ve written off an entire industry. Not only that, I’ve written off a huge proportion of my network, given how many of my friends and former colleagues are lawyers.
Maybe I’m right. More likely, it’s more complex than I’ve described it.
So there you have it. I’ve revealed one of my own huge blind spots about conflict.
I get calls on a weekly basis from people who are curious about conflict management but worry their issue is hopeless. They’re willing to engage and have tried already, but the other person is irrational, unreasonable, manipulative, impossible, self-interested or a just a run of the mill psycho.
I’ve told myself things like this too. Please refer to above aversion to lawyers. C’mon, Aileen!
Well, here’s the thing. Actually, three things.
When we write someone off as “too difficult”, we (consciously or unconsciously) adopt a narrative that makes us look best. We’re reasonable, but they’re illogical, irrational or impossible. That is zero percent helpful to manage conflict. In my case, perhaps I’ve let fear of judgment or failure takeover, so I’ve distanced myself from a group whose approval I used to have and perhaps still want. Journaling prompt for later? I’ll let you know what comes up.
When we don’t engage with someone because we “don’t want the hassle”, we reward bad behaviour. If we don’t try, things will stay the same. If we do try, we can each learn something about the issue, ourself or the other person.
If we villainize one side, we’re more likely to fight fire with fire. This creates or prolongs conflict. My characterization of lawyers and law firms as a whole is unfair, untrue and undeserved. Are there some lawyers I don’t want to work with? Definitely!!!!! But when I wrote off that entire group, I created a broader conflict, even it’s only internal. Now who’s the one with the ego?
When we tell ourselves the other person or group is a waste of time, it’s a cue to get curious. Why do we feel so strongly? What don’t we know about the other person/group?
They call it a blind spot for a reason.
You don’t know it’s there unless you look for it.