Ritual: a set of actions or words performed in a particular way.
My Friday ritual looks like this: my alarm goes off at 5:37am, I snooze for exactly 5 mins (without fail), talk to my husband as if he’s also getting up at that time (he fakes sleep to dissuade my attempts at conversation), and pat the dog so he wakes up too. Once everyone is thoroughly disrupted, I go to yoga, followed by espresso at home and journaling before I settle down to write this article.
When I skip parts of my Friday morning ritual, I just can’t write.
We each have lots of rituals, even when it comes to conflict.
I‘m the middle child with two brothers. Growing up, we didn’t hold back with one another. If one of us was annoying the other, we said so right to one another’s face. You never had to wonder if one of us was mad, we told each other. Because there were three of us, it was often two against one, which really helped fuel the fire of whatever argument we had.
But here’s the thing - our conflicts never lingered. Most times, we’d be playing again, eating lunch together or having a laugh about something within 10 minutes or so.
Our conflict ritual looked like this: relative calm, perceived or actual slight occurred, instant escalation of situation, stormed into separate rooms with some parting dig, moment of quiet solitude, reunited a few minutes later, and relative calm resumed.
Looking back, I would calm down for one of three reasons:
I realized there was some truth to the thing that was said about me (though I would never admit it out loud);
I realized what was said was not true but was a projection of some sort (this reasoning was childish, and may have been along the lines of: “He’s just jealous of me because he’s an idiot and I’m not” or “I’m cranky because I’m hungry”); or
I had forgotten how the whole thing had started or what it was even about.
It was a quick and dirty process and there was no big apology show at the end, we just moved on.
So where did all that conflict leave us?
People often comment how close we are. We live in different cities but talk and visit often and actually enjoy each other’s company. One of them will be in town next week and while I am sure he will annoy me at some point (he is very annoying), we will also have a lot of fun. Go figure!
Do I approach conflict this same way at work or with other people in my personal life? No.
But am I afraid of conflict, generally? Also no. I don’t generally associate it with something that takes on a life of it’s own.
This is in contrast to a client I met last week. She said she really hates conflict. Growing up, she and her siblings didn’t openly quarrel much. They had lots of differences, but they could also hold grudges. The resultant silent treatment could stretch for days or even weeks. It caused more trouble than it was worth.
Now, at work, she doesn’t speak up much, especially when she “disagrees” with someone. She associates disagreement with conflict, and in her experience, conflict can take on a life of its own. And that could make work unbearable.
I get where she’s coming from. Her earliest experiences with conflict were pretty negative.
But both as a kid and now, when she didn’t speak up, the feelings never went away. She felt negatively either way. She wanted a mindset shift.
So today, think on your conflict ritual. And be honest with yourself.
Think back to a time when you were on the receiving end of a comment you didn’t necessarily want to hear.
How did you feel? Embarrassed, shocked, angry, excited?
How did you react? Did you immediately pretend you didn’t care, become speechless, laugh, or even cry?
Was that reaction typical for you, or not? if it wasn’t typical, what was different?
And then what happened? Do you dislike that other person now? Or perhaps you trust them more? Did the conflict pass or linger?
When you know what your ritual is, you can understand what works and what doesn’t. Then you can decide what to change to change (if anything).
Remember how I said I can’t write well when I skip my Friday morning ritual?
Similarly, there may be some step missing in your ritual and without, maybe you can’t do conflict well.
Once you’ve thought it through a bit, let it go. It’s Friday. Have some fun. But keep your insights near, because who knows what will pop up next week.