The real Likeability Trap
There’s a book called The Likeability Trap. I’ll say at the outset that I have not read that book. This article is not a rebuttal of that author’s points, because I don’t know what her points are. But, I like the phrase. So here we go.
Likeability. A term that keeps showing up in my inbox, my LinkedIn feed and in suggested TED Talk videos.
Not everyone will like you, and that should never be the goal. At the same time, we shouldn’t discount the likeability factor.
I bring this up because I hear the same thing over and over from clients. They don’t want to say no, disagree or challenge the status quo because they don’t want to be perceived as one of the following bad things:
uncooperative dramatic unprofessional aggressive a troublemaker
…and so on.
In other words - they want to be liked.
I get it. And I support that.
Being likeable matters.
Yet, we confuse likeability with so many other things.
When I practiced litigation, I prepared clients who would testify at a hearing with this sage advice “Be the most likeable witness on the stand.” By that, I emphasized how important it was to stay calm and to not rise to the bait or become argumentative during cross-examination. It was also my warning to not be smug, condescending or otherwise a jerk.
At the end of the day, it’s hard to root for a jerk.
I stand by that advice for people headed to court and also for people just living their lives.
We think people will like us more if we stay quiet, stay in our own lane, and at worst - stay mediocre.
Avoidance, people pleasing and groupthink at work won’t necessarily cause people to like you. People may appreciate those behaviours in you because it makes them look good or make their job easier, but that won’t necessarily get you ahead.
We all know someone we’d describe as fake, a pushover or a suck-up. We don’t usually use those terms with fondness, do we? The intention driving those behaviours may be good, but in actuality they can be annoying at best and desctructive, at worst.
Here’s an extreme (and true) example of misguided likeability.
Last month, 2 rainmaker partners a large American law firm (1600+ lawyers) made waves when they announced their departure and the birth of their new “compassionate” law firm. They took 140 lawyers from the old firm with them.
Fast forward to last weekend. Their old firm released 15 years’ worth of private emails written by those two rainmakers to media outlets. The emails were brazenly and unapologetically sexist, racist, homophobic, and antisemitic.
If you’re interested in the more lurid details, read the full story here.
Rainmakers become rainmakers because they’re likeable to at least one group - clients.
Chances are, at least some of their colleagues didn’t like them. Yet, these two partners probably got away with a lot of bad behaviour. Two possible reasons stand out to me:
To some extent, the old firm benefitted from keeping them around (money, clients, status).
To some extent, many colleagues would have felt powerless against two bigwigs.
Some of their colleagues chose to be “likeable” by staying quiet and letting those two rainmakers do their thing. At least until their rainmakers decided to make rain at a new firm.
But if anyone at the old firm knew of these issues and had taken a stand, they would surely have been a freaking hero to the people who (rightfully) thought these two partners were jerks.
People don’t just like the hero. They are inspired by them.
Being likeable gets you places, but it’s important to distinguish between misguided and actual likeability.
You don’t have to topple a head honcho for people to like you.
It’s way, way more simple than that.
You can invite ideas, ask questions and listen carefully. Let feedback flow in all directions, candidly and respectfully.
From there, maybe you introduce a new process, shake up a team, or amend a contract.
Choose the version of likeability that builds trust over the cone of silence.
And definitely don’t create two versions of yourself - one for clients and one for everyone else. As this week made clear, that’s not sustainable.
Just keep it real. Is that so hard?
Food for thought as you head into this weekend.