The Common Denominator
I originally started this article last Friday morning, but life got in the way. It kept getting in the way when I decided to send this on Saturday, Sunday or Monday instead. The unexpected happens. All of a sudden it ‘s Friday again and I’m back!
We love to have things in common with people.
We meet someone new who has the same interests, grew up in the same town, knows the same people. We chat away, enjoy the conversation and marvel about how much we have in common despite having just met!
We embrace the commonalities that make us feel connected, close, seen or heard.
Not to get too witchy or anything, but there’s this whole subset of the personal growth industry (I may have just invented this industry??) that talks about shadow work. One aspect of it involves identifying characteristics, qualities or behaviours that drive us up the wall about the people closest to us. And then on reflection, realizing and recognizing that those are the qualities we most dislike about ourselves.
I’ve done some of these reflection exercises, and while it’s fascinating and insightful, it’s not the main point of where this article is going.
But it’s adjacent to the point I’m going to make.
There’s a lot of content out there about how much people dislike shadow work. It’s easier to hide or ignore the qualities we have which we aren’t proud of.
Similarly, when we do conflict the old way (the “I’m right and you’re wrong” way), we ignore or hide the common ground in what we seek.
Conflict is much more resolvable when we realize what the other person wants from it - especially when the other person wants the same thing as us.
Sounds pretty obvious, right?
Well, it’s not that easy (or fun) when you are more focused on being right and proving why you are right to someone else.
A recent client was at odds with her business partners about strategic next steps at a particularly turbulent time for their business. She clearly understood how their opinions and ideas diverged, but she was adamant that the partners no longer had a common vision or objective. When she had a much-needed conversation with her partners, it (eventually) became apparent they wanted the same outcome. They were all desperate to retain staff . Because their prior discussions all focused on “how”, their shared “why” had been totally overshadowed.
Why is this so hard?
Well, for more many reasons.
Here are a few:
Not listening - when we want to be right, we’re more focused on making our own point than hearing someone else’s. It’s hard to acknowledge the common ground when you don’t really hear what they’re saying, period.
Not obvious - for many of us, it’s hard to say everything clearly and correctly the first time, especially if we’re in a stressful conversation or situation. The common ground might not be obvious from the outset, but that’s why curiosity and asking questions to get to the understory is important. But that also requires a willingness to listen - return to step 1 above.
Not easy - some of our common ground is really, really hard to acknowledge, especially when there are strong emotions involved. The stronger our emotions, the more firmly we hold onto our beliefs. Here’s a particularly polarizing example. The rise of anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes, actions and groups is extremely alarming. It keeps me up at night, and I can’t imagine how members of the affected community feel right now. The debates around LGBTQ+ rights are highly emotional, stressful and linked to firmly held beliefs (freedom, personal integrity, religion…etc). At least some members of both groups are driven by a common concern - safety. More particularly, the safety of their children. Undeniably, they consider safety from very different perspectives (some driven by love and facts, others driven by stereotypes, ignorance and even hatred), but it is an overlap. There are other shared concerns, though they are difficult to uncover and to admit. Even with those shared concerns, the issues that divide are so significant.
Ideally, the path forward is obvious and easy. Realistically, that’s not usually the case.
Even more so, resolutions will almost always be elusive without the ability to listen first.
For the LGBTQ+ community, I strongly suspect its members and allies are more willing to listen than the other group. I hope that changes.
Love is Love.